Loveless, sexless marriages
| Global Times | November 07, 2011 21:19 By Yang Jinghao |
Prepared to live a lie
"My parents are pressing me, colleagues keep asking me why I don't have a girlfriend, and even my neighbors have offered to set me up on blind dates. All these pressures are bearing down on me," he told the Global Times, adding that like most gay men his parents are pushing him to produce a male heir.
Huzi says he isn't considering marrying a lesbian as there could be unforeseen legal consequences.
"I can't imagine what it will be like when I am 60 or older and there's nobody beside me," Huzi said, without explaining why he thought a non-consensual, sham marriage might have a happier outcome.
"It's a homosexual's absolute bottom line to avoid cheating and hurting a heterosexual spouse," said Aqiang, who doesn't support fake marriages between gays and lesbians but says they are better than cheating a spouse who is unaware of their wife's or husband's sexual orientation.
Aqiang says society's pressures to conform to traditional values are only partially to blame for fake marriages. He blames homosexuals for continuing the deception. "In the final analysis, the root cause is a lack of courage and a problem with self-identification."
Sexologist Li Yinhe with the Chinese Academy of Social Sciences suggests gay men need to be more respectful of themselves, their families and their partners. "Of course, it would be better if society would allow same sex marriage," she said, adding that legislation legalizing same sex marriage has been submitted to annual assembly of the National People's Congress, the past few years but it has never been dealt with.
"Only when homosexual rights can be safeguarded by law or policy, can this problem be properly solved," Professor Zhang said, adding that marriages of convenience between gay men and lesbians "are not in their mutual interests and contrary to human instinct."
Gay men like Huzi aren't likely to wait for the laws to change.
"I realize that no matter which path I choose someone will get hurt," said Huzi, suggesting that his parents would be devastated if he didn't marry a woman.
"What we need is for the legislation to be worked out to protect our legal rights, which is the key to rescuing the wives and husbands of homosexuals," said Huzi.
The victimized wives of gay men are now actively seeking help and speaking out via the Internet.
A website Tongqi Jiayuan, which roughly translates as "wives of gay husbands," provides a platform for victims to share their experiences, along with legal information and AIDS prevention awareness.
"I hope I can help those in the same bind I was in, and give others a deeper understanding of the issue," said Xiaoyao, the website's founder and ex-wife of a gay man who also asked that her pseudonym be used in print. She has also opened a hotline to provide psychological counseling to survivors of sham marriage and women who finally discover the truth.
"First they need to calm down and negotiate with their husband," said Xiaoyao. "It's really a complicated problem and each wife has her own unique experience."
Professor Zhang tells women who have the means to support themselves to abandon their sham marriages and seek one with love. "But many feel they can't leave their husbands if they and their children are financially dependent."
Not anti-gay
Despite their sexual incompatibility some husbands and wives develop emotional bonds. A woman from Urumqi in Xinjiang Uyghur Autonomous Region told the Global Times that even though she discovered her husband is gay, just four months after they married, she's not about to leave him. "He treats me really nice," she said, asking not be identified in this article.
Perhaps surprisingly many of the long suffering women who have been scammed and cheated on by gay husbands have come to understand that homosexuality is a natural human phenomena.
"I totally understand and tolerate gay men, but I totally oppose their choice for marriage!" said the long suffering Yu He.
No comments:
Post a Comment